WHAT IS LOVE?

The post cannot give a foolproof definition of "Love" but can offer a perspective on it.

Recently, I read this book-"Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck and gathered different insights on the concept of love, traditional values and spiritual growth. I have coupled it with my understanding of the reading and for the purpose of the post have focused on aspects of love and spiritual growth only.

The definition of love (as per the web definition by goggling) is a strong positive emotion of regard and affection. But, this seems to be real generic definition. As per my understanding, the definition could be unique, and very specific to the individual. It is not definitely difficult to arrive at the consensus on the definition, nor is that required.

In order to explore more on a possible definition, the writer has asked some questions (including some of my thoughts) as-Can we love two people at a time? How long does the feeling of love remain? Why do people end up breaking-up after being committed to each other for some time? Does the feeling of love requires two people to stay together or is love all about separateness? Is love about sacrifice for the good of the other person? Is it essential to marry the person you love? and the list goes on.

M Scott defines love as "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth". Spiritual growth would mean reaching close to God..in simple terms as I understand it, it would mean becoming a better person.

So, love is not emotional attachment or dependency as per him but more of volition (a genuine will/cognitive process where one decides and commits to some course of action). For him, "commitment" is the most important thing for genuine love and not romantic love (which is mere expression of one's love for the other person, and may be, stems from physical needs). It is impossible to understand the other person without making room for the other person within ourselves, so, commitment is a pre-requisite for the same.

Also, falling is love is not an act of love, but temporary collapse of our egos to merge his/her identity with the other person, and its sudden release is the cause of all damage. When individual realize that each of the individual's have different likes, dislikes, desires, and they are not one individual, then it becomes difficult for them to accept the same, and may be, the cause of most break-ups.

I have always wondered that this feeling of love (as I hear it) should be a short-term process and must be lost after some point of time, and which may be, in author's language be the instance of realization by the individuals of their separate identity after they regain from the collapsed egos. But, the fact of the matter is that if two people like each other (not just as an emotional attachment), and see themselves as better person, then this phenomenon is no more a short-term process. As far as the dependency is less, it should not result in any complexities. And overtime, making love could be an act of expression of one's love. But, any relationship of love that is out of mere physical attraction is bound to suffer because making love is not an act of love but mere lust, as per the author.

Moreover, he also points out that marrying the person one loves is just a decision by the two of them and should not be an obligation. The two people who love each other might end up marrying because they see one's spiritual growth by being together. He talks of the concept of "open marriage" which I find difficult to accept and have not delved much into it. It is also more of a societal issue. The society we have, does not propagate such acts and our mind-sets are also similar.

Answering as to why people in genuine love do not wish being open with disclosing their feelings to the other person, he says, that we are all resistant to change. We all want "status quo" and are not willing to accept more responsibilities and hence do not want to be true to ourselves. But, he talks of the power of being true to oneself, and reading our mind, thoughts, feeling and ideas. In this context, he talks of the importance of dreams/unconscious self, which should be explored. We have 5% of the mind as the conscious self and the rest is the unconscious one, and hence, we should take out time to understand our unconscious self (dreams), give importance to any weird thought that come to our mind.

We can be psychotherapists to self provided we are willing to accept changes.